Saturday, July 3, 2010

What can happen in a year?

A LOT!!!

However, since this blog IS called Terra Fit, I'll just stick to the happenings that have to do with that.

So! As I sat here a year ago, I was a pretty unhappy girl. It may have appeared that I was very happy, however I am a master of disguises. I've actually been this way pretty much my whole life. I appear one way on the outside, but inside, it's a whole other story. I'm a smiler. I put on a smile and everything appears it's okay...it's not. It's kind of like being an actress or on the air. No matter what's going on around you, inside you, you can't let that show. You have to smile and the show MUST go on. That's not very healthy is it? Not at all.

I remember watching Dr. Phil and seeing shows about how people measure their happiness based on the success of their wealth. He'd always try and get them to see that happiness shouldn't be based on that. At the time, I'd think to myself, well at least I'm not like that. I don't measure my happiness based on my wealth, or lack thereof. (Though, who am I kidding...having more $$ would be nice!) But you know what? I was just like those people. I measured my happiness on my weight. I always have. I never truly felt pure happiness because there was always that voice in my head that told me I couldn't be happy because I was fat.

So how did that change? Well let me tell you, it didn't just happen over night. Like I said at the beginning A LOT has happened in the past year. A LOT had to happen for that to happen. You hear about how it takes hitting rock bottom for something major to turn around. I realize now...I hit my rock bottom. When it comes to weight and people hitting rock bottom, you usually then hear, "I was at my all time high weight of...", however, that wasn't my case. My all time high weight was 287 when I got married back in September 2005. My rock bottom came when I was at my lowest weight I've been in 12 years. So really, it had nothing to do with my weight. It was my way of thinking.

When you have weight issues, you carry so much extra baggage with you - no pun intended. It's not just physical, it's also mental. It's so easy to just crawl inside yourself and stay there because then you can't feel the pain of dealing with all those issues. But, it can be a dangerous place to get trapped inside yourself. Especially for someone like me, who's a smiler. It can lead you down a path, where you don't really want to be - trapped inside yourself and in your thoughts. It's like they're playing tricks on you making you believe that it's what you really want. I became numb to everything around me. I thought I wanted out of my marriage, I thought I wanted to leave my job, I thought I wanted to leave town, I thought I wanted to just run away. I thought, "Yes! I'm finally being truthful with myself. This is who I really am! I'm finally going to be who I want to be!" That's where I got trapped. The whole time I thought I was trapped here. The truth is, I was trapped in me. There was a tiny little voice in there though that kept saying, "No Tara, this isn't what you want. This isn't who you are." I ignored that voice and kept pushing it further and further and further away. Then on May 16th, (on the verge of losing it all, for what I thought was what I truly wanted) it was like that voice finally found its voice and just said, "ENOUGH!" It found the courage to burst through all of my other negative thoughts that had been at the forefront of it all and just stomped on them all saying, "No! No! No! This isn't what you want! This isn't who you are!" It was like an explosion inside my brain and the brick wall just came tumbling down...CRASHING down! I could finally see and think clearly and then came the tears. I couldn't stop crying and then hyperventilating. I was a mess, but it was a GOOD mess. I was finally conscious of everything around me. It was life altering. When I think about it, the image that comes to mind is those horses that pull carriages and they have those blinders on. My blinders were finally removed and I could see everything. It really is amazing what you see when you don't have those blinders on! I'm the happiest I've been in years!

I may not be at my physical goal yet (still a ways to go), but I'm working on it. Since August I've lost 40lbs and gained back 15(it was a rough winter dealing with my plantar fasciitis and all of this...), but I'm moving forward. The difference this time is that I realize I can be happy NOW. I don't have to weigh 160lbs to be happy. Happiness won't just magically appear when I weigh 160lbs. Yes I'll look and feel fabulous, but I have so much more to be happy about. I'm learning to live in the moment and look to the future.

This battle is not only physical, but it's also a mental and emotional one. If your mind set isn't in the right place for you, it's going to be that much more difficult. When you have the mind set and realize YOU CAN, there are no limitations as to what you can achieve.

2 comments:

  1. I think this is the first major step after dealing with all this to put it out there for others to learn from and find support to continue on your new path, a positive one and to achieve anything you wish and hope for:)Kel

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  2. Susan MoldenhauerJuly 8, 2010 at 5:41 PM

    Tara, I am so proud of you. It takes a lot of courage to look deep in to yourself and face the issues. We all have ways to hide away from fear, pain, lonliness, rejection, self loathing etc. etc. I am so happy for you that you were able to "get it" and understand that happiness is attitude. Happiness is a choice. Happiness is not a number on the scale. I'm sending you a big hug!!

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